yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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