I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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