you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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