Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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