I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just invented taco cereal.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
