he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
