My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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