My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
