ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
