i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
