im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He felt like a one man threesome
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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