Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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