I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
