Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
