So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
