She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
