No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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