I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Porn is love you can see.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
