Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
