and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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