I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
