Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
