I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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