We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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