Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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