so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
