I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
