i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
