I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
