its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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