Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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