i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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