On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
