New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
