You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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