He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think my moral compass just broke
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
