remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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