He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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