there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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