His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We talked him into tasing himself.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
