So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
