I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I AM VODKA MAN
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
