you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
