Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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