Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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