sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she smelled like a LAN party
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
