and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
