Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
