I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
