Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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