R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
